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Confined to Barracks with something suspiciously like the FLU

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What with the GOUT and now the FLU I am getting teed off

Monday night and “That Was The Weekend That Was”. Apart from a few hours on Saturday evening watching El Classico through misty eyes or a few hours on Sunday evening I spent the weekend spark out in my sack.


Thursday night after U16 Squad Training I did not feel at my best but true to good old Heaton traditions I soldiered on. Well I had to do because she said so. I used to get it regularly. “Look you really do have to go in to school today – after all you are the Head!!” After retirement it has become more like “Oh stop moaning. There’s nothing wrong with you.” So on Friday, despite misgivings, I soldiered on but by early evening the decline became pronounced.


I entered a serious shivering phase mid-evening which to some would have been quite amusing but was really somewhat disturbing. After interventions from the missus who forego watching her soaps to offer nursing care and with a good slug of Tesco You Know What in a coffee cup I was able to more or less stop the trembling . The exercise to achieve relative calm did take a good 20 minutes. It was at this stage that my dear wife uttered a phrase most unbecoming of her normal approach. “Shall I send for a doctor??”


I almost choked. Was this real? Had she recognised that this was not probably Man Flu but more like Superman Flu. I had settled sufficiently to be able to countenance against such a move at the moment. My reasoning was that it was now the weekend. I had moved three years ago to a new doctor’s practice in Radcliffe after my previous doctor of 49 years had selfishly decided to retire. I had seen only two doctors in the years since, one to sign in and the other for a medication review. Neither of them was now in the practice. To be honest we would have had to search for the telephone number as I get my repeat prescriptions via email and visiting the Health Centre. My main contact is Nurse Janice who was ever so good to me when I had gout. With judicious forgetfulness I get to see her once (sometimes twice a year) for my blood pressure checks. I have managed to convince her to use my home readings rather than hers as I probably react to the white coat problem, even though she does not wear one. Last time I saw her she said my chances of having a heart attack or stroke had fallen just below 50%. If she had seen me on Friday night the odds would have been shortened considerably. In any event a call to the doctor’s would have been re-routed to BARDOC.


“Bury and Rochdale Doctor’s On Call” – the local health lottery. A five minute symptom check would probably have revealed that I had the great probability of the flu and they would have suggested my missus should collect a prescription – probably Tamiflu. I did not fancy getting the trots as well so said let’s wait and see.


I retired to the comfort of my sack and a very long, long night of floating with the fairies and taking supplies of paracetemol ensued. The decision was made for me that I would remain where I was for Saturday and the day was completely re-scheduled. Both Sophie and Thomas (and Philip and Pamela) look forward to Saturday lunch times for the Little Lever Chippy Treat. That went down the pan. I really have little recollection of much on Saturday other than I was determined to watch El Classsico. I did manage to get up but by now was entering the perspiration stages. I watched most of the game through steamed up glasses before heading back to whence I came.


I pause in relating my woes to say well done the Shakers. They really needed one more point on Saturday to be sure of staying in League One. They had a tough game at Notts County who were fighting to be in the Play Offs. We won 4-2. Magnificent.

Returning to my woes Sunday was Day One of the Bolton League season and the Mount were due to play Bradshaw. Now the Heaton Mobile Catering Service comes into operation on these days and is finely honed. My position was quite clear. Stay where you are. To be honest I had had another problematic night. The mares had started and someone was throwing cricket balls at me – very hard. I did not really believe there would be any play but news came down from Sophie that a start was due at 3.00pm and with a “Ring me if you need anything” off she went with her sacks of food. So there I was on my Jack Jones at home, in bed, for the first match of the season.


Now amazingly the game was one of only three completed in the League and ended in a splendid victory for the triple winners. Andrew “Plon” Kerr did not set the Croal on fire but our Deputy Pro got a very good looking 90+ to see us to 133 for 6 off reduced overs of 34 (or so I was told). You may recall in my last Blog that I said the knackers yard was getting closer and closer for the dynamic duo of Stewart and Heaton – well Heaton pushed the years back to finish with 6 for 29 and Bradshaw were dismissed for 85. I refuse to get ecstatic about the performance as (a) I was not there and( b) he gave me a telling off today for not doing as I was told by his mother. Now he has got away with murder with her over the years. Nevertheless a good start for the Mount.


Sticking with the theme of cricket whilst my good lady was freezing up at Greenmount, I had risen from my pit for sustenance and had flitted around the channels to see what was on. Fortunately the City game had finished but I found Channel ITV 4 HD and a match in progress in the Indian Premier League between the Deccan Chargers and the Kolkata Knight Riders. So with little else to do I watched with astonishment. The cricket we saw was pretty good if you like 20/20 but the TV coverage was “UGH”. After each snatch of play the cameras would switch to views of waving supporters without flags, waving supporters with flags, shouting supporters without flags and excitement on excitement, supporters holding banners. The TV producer was brilliant at returning to the cricket just as the next ball was being bowled. If this was missed and went through to the keeper we were back with the flags and banners post haste and “Look at me Mum I’m on the Tele” in Gujerati.


The commentary involved Dermot Reeve and A.N. Other as well as a lady who I think was possibly in a studio with another fellow. She was not well up in cricket terms like say Sir Geoffrey but I did believe that I once saw Dermot at a Sportsman’s Evening and he was quite amusing. Bumble would have eaten them both alive, and quite frankly they were turgid. I think I would probably have switched to something else but for the fact that Jacques Kallis was playing for the Riders. I can see you all thinking that I admire him and was excited at seeing him in action. I have to be honest that is not the reason. Mr Kallis has an extremely attractive girlfriend that was spotted by the TV producer in the crowd. From that moment on he forgot his crowd shots and banners and flags and focussed on her. I was delighted to say that even after the exit from the game of her boyfriend she remained the focus of his attention. After a pretty miserable weekend she certainly brightened things up for me.


Shortly after the conclusion of the game and a victory for the Knight Riders the Heaton Mobile Catering Service vehicle returned to base camp with little left of the mountains of grub she had departed with.


Sunday night into Monday morning began quite well but deteriorated as the night continued into today – Monday. I was due at Old Trafford for a Development of Excellence Meeting at 6.00pm but the Gauleiter said “NO”. I rang Jasmine at the LCB Offices to give my apologies to find that Mr Hayhurst is suffering from something suspiciously similar. My good lady went off to Keep Fit and I started to feel a little more like the old me.


The final print quality proofs for the LCB Fixture Card appeared this afternoon and I fired them off to Dipesh and Jasmine.


Two last things before asking the good lady if I can have a treat.


Number One – Have you seen the weather forecast for the rest of the week ?? Oh my goodness.


Number Two – Just one week and two days after digging a hole at the end of my drive Mr Balfour and Mr Beatty returned to fill it in. Whoopee ???


Now for the treat and not one that some of you were thinking – you can tell how bad I have been as the Tesco Moments were not just refused they were not even wanted.


I could really manage just a little one now.


Forgot to mention I had a good long chat to our President Jack Simmons this afternoon, although to be fair you rarely have a short one with him. He was responding to a message I had left. I told him about our match at Headquarters on May 21st and he is going to come along to help celebrate our 90th. He will also have a copy of the Book taking orders to 26.


You may ask in all the hiatus of the weekend how Nurse Heaton coped with the patient, and also managed to keep her Zoo functioning properly. The answer is magnificently. She even managed to breed a new animal. What is more when gathering her bric a brac to take up to Greenmount on Sunday I noticed the iPad went as well.


She can have a treat tonight.


What of tomorrow – will I be allowed out? I just have a feeling the answer will be in the negative.



Subscribe to comments feed Comments (4 posted)

ted 24/04/2012 10:14:23

Have you not had your senior persons innoculation?

Anyway you will as fit as a butchers dog when the youth cricket starts so spending some time in your pit has its compensations.

You didnt miss much over the weekend, some leagues cancelled all fixtures and what cricket that was played was on soft, damp tracks so not of the highest standards.

I hope that you havent sold out of books by the time I see you, cant wait to get my hands on one.

John Heaton 24/04/2012 15:25:18

1. Unfortunately my allergy to eggs disallows me from the flu jab. That is not my view but that of my old Doctor who said it was something to do with their culture.
2. The Book has not been printed yet but if that happens I will definitely make sure you get one.
3. I was not allowed out today and she is not making good noises about tomorrow yet.

Lord Bowks 24/04/2012 13:54:23

Your presence was missed on Sunday but it appears that it hasn't diminished the Con Club's barman from doing what he does best, luring unsuspecting batsman into thinking he turns the odd one. And for the record, I am proud to announce that for probably the only time this season, I have more runs than Plon.

Hope you are fit in time for our trip to Walkden on Saturday!!!
ted 30/04/2012 11:41:38

Sorry to hear about your allergy.

Thank you for ensuring I do get my copy of 'The Book' , I am looking forward to a good read.

You didnt miss much last weekend with so much rain around. Hopefully most leagues will re-arrange their abandoned fixtures later in the season when perhaps we might get some sun.

Youth cricket in the leagues is also badly affected which will have a knock on effect as some youngsters have not had a bad in their hands yet this season.

I am sure once the bad weather has passed it will be forgotten especially when fours and sixes start to fly about.

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